I used to be a person that lived by the rule that if a person hurt/crossed me once, they didn't get a chance to do it again. Because of that, I found myself isolated for years.
Then my best friend/babydaddy cheated on me. The boyfriend in him
sucked, but the best friend was irreplaceable at the time, so I sucked it up and dealt with the hurt while still being friends.
That's a practice that's carried over. I'll still deal with a person, but their exposure to me is severely limited so as not to leave myself open to hurt. Makes sense, right?
What doesn't make sense, but I'm guilty of, is this. When I really fall in love with someone, I just can't let go that easily. When I have gotten deep in my feelings and that person has gotten past some or all the walls I like to think I've put up, I become a glutton for punishment.
I keep hoping that whatever is broken in the relationship can be fixed with love. This is a mistake that a lot of us make.
We stay in abusive relationships because someone somewhere said that love conquers all. I have to sorely disagree because love conquers alot of things, but in my experience, love doesn't conquer distrust, it doesn't conquer insecurity and often stupidity of either or both parties doesn't make the cut either.
When do you reach the point where you say "enough"? In the year of Obama, we hope for alot of things. Change. Changes don't just need to be made in the White House, some of us need change within ourselves.
I watched a friend late last year do everything she could to hold on to her marriage because she hoped. It died. Probably because she was the only one who hoped that it could be repaired.
While she was hoping and doing all that she could to hold it together, her husband was accusing her of infidelity, stealing from their household finances, skimping on their sex life (I imagine it's hard to make love to someone who doesn't even seem to like you at times).
They finally parted ways and though it's been hard, she's piecing her self-esteem and in turn, her old self back together. I think she'll eventually be ok. I'm glad for her that she was never able to carry a baby to term. I think if she had a child, she'd keep hoping and trying til the day she died. Sometimes tragedies are blessings in disguise.
What kind of person are you? Do you cut your losses immediately? Do you keep going back, thinking it could work out? Do you just stay with your s.o. and have your candy on the side? How many times do YOU say goodbye?
I thought this song was fitting for many reasons. Enjoy. I miss Luther...
I think all of us at various times are the person you describe above. After all, who wants to be tagged as a failure, especially in this society of ours. So sometimes, this behavior doesn't remain (or even come about) because of love, but the fear of what will others say because for a lot of people, we live accordingly to how things look on the outside.
ReplyDeleteI fully admit that I am stuck on stupid when it comes to this. 4 years later and I still miss his cheating behind. Still chat with him on IM just about weekly. DOH!!!
ReplyDeleteIt took me a good year to get over my college crush. I get so mad at myself because I KNOW I'm wasting time, but my heart is as stubborn and doesn't let go easily.
I think about the ONLY way we don't parallel is our race...
ReplyDeleteLOL. I know, scary, huh. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI'm guilty of doing it all in the past. But now after all of the hurt and pain that I have gone through in the past, I have come to the conclusion that I love myself too damn much to let anyone take my joy away. I have learned to let go and let GOD. I deserve to be loved the way that GOD loves me and if a man can't then I can't be with him no matter how much it hurts.
ReplyDeleteI don't cut them off immediately but I have to admit over time I have learned to cut my losses sooner rather than later. It takes two people to make relationships work and you can't make someone do right by you. I made those mistakes in both my marriages. It took 8 years and for the relationship to turn physically abusive for me to let go of the first and it took 5 years for me to realize that staying in a miserable relationship was not what God required from me as my Christian duty for the second. At some point, you have to keep a standard and love yourself so much that you won't allow anyone else to not treat you a certain way. A male friend told me a man won't do anything to you that you don't allow him to do. And if he does something once, he'll do it again. So, it's up to you to say when enough is enough. And it's also up to you to learn who you are and why you continue to seek out the same characteristics in partners. Whole people attract other whole people.
ReplyDeleteI don't cut them off immediately. And I've learned that that's my problem. I believe in second chances. The thing is, I end up giving people more chances than they're worth. I spend a lot of time believing that EVERYONE is good people. That's just not the case. They won't stop me from being the nice person that I am. Just seems I need to do what I have to do to stay sane. If it means cutting people off, so be it. Afterall, how much of a loss is it if you have to cut it off anyway?
ReplyDeleteAi yi yi...
ReplyDeleteI know, I know...I got some learnin to do.
ReplyDeleteI have to go case by case. I used to be a person that would cut my losses immediately and keep steppin, but as I've grown a little older I've come to understand that you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. There have been cases in recent history where I did cut my losses and completely walled myself off from the folks by whom I believe to have been slighted. Do I regret that? Some days. I miss the spirit of camaraderie but to paraphrase what you said, how do you continue to deal effectively with people who make it abundantly clear that they tolerate you, and don't really like you? I continue to pray for peace, and that I can surround myself with the people from whom I can learn and with whom I can grow positively along this journey of life. And I also continue to pray that if there are people around me who mean me absolutely no good, that they be summarily removed from my cipher, never again to impart their negative influence on me.
ReplyDeleteI feel like that's the best I can do.
you said a mouth full...
ReplyDeleteI don't condone being a fool for love by any means...and if you know in your heart of hearts that it's over - pray for the strength to move on. Though I truly believe that when God is kept in the relationship (and consulted prior the the relationship beginning) it stands a better chance of surviving. Some folks can (and are willing) togrow into better people...others think they are fine and never need to grow past where they are. THOSE are the instances in which I think it's a dead issue. Like you said - LOVE does NOT conquer all... (I said this in a nother post last week, I'll paraphrase: no one goes into a relationship or marriage thinking "this shit ain't gonna work, but what the hell?". Love is generally the premise of any relationship...but at some point, the issues outweighed the love...and at some point, love just was no longer enough.) Love is just a small piece of the puzzle. There is trust. Respect. COMMITMENT ( a biggie which alot of folk forget)...and otehr assorted varients that can decide a relationships fate. But moreso, if BOTH parties aren't doing their damndest, then what it the point? One person can't carry the relationship with all the hope, and love in the world... If counseling is an option, try t hat...but if the other party is still on some cruddy, illmatic behaviour, at some point...you have to say ENOUGH.
As for me cutting my losses immediatey...generally, YES. Even though I am ubber sensitive, I figure folks will show you exactly who they are, and it's best to cut your losses quickly, then allowing someone to keep hurting you. However, there is ALOT of grey area...it just depends on the situation and the transgression. But if I know that you aren't a loyal person, that you smile in my face and talk behind my back, that you are secretly plotting my demise while pretending to have my back? Once I find that out..it's O.V.E.R.
I"m babbling, I know. It's monday...
You are not alone, that was just as much for me as for you.
ReplyDeleteDepending on the relationship and how/what caused the breakup, I'm the person who could be friends with my ex again.... EVENTUALLY!!!! This means that it would probably be later on down the line (when I've dealt with my feelings and they have either dissipated or I'm into someone else and not thinking about them in that way). If I was still carrying REAL feelings for someone, I could probably FRONT like I was ok with just being friends for a while, but I know how I'm built and eventually I wouldn't be able to handle it.
ReplyDeleteESP or something damn !!!!
ReplyDeleteYou really don't wanna mess with her...
ReplyDeleteFolks do show you who they are but it's up to us to recognize it faster before we give away too much !
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't necessarily say i'm a fool for love, or even in love, but i believe love is plentiful and with it you can get through most things. I have found myself on both ends and it seems to me that I can give love better than i can accept it because i have been giving it so long with little to no reciprocation. Do I find it hard to let go? Yes, at times i do because I desire a successful relationship that isn't filled with lies, deceit, abuse (mental/physical); someone that can love and desire me the way i do them. Do I often end up in relationships where abuse is evident and love has vacated itself? Yes, more often than not and although I have tried my hand at waiting it's still the same thing.
ReplyDeleteCutting losses. Well I suppose it depends on who the person is and how much of an impact in my life that person is or was. I have had some truly bad experiences and some good ones with some bad people. I use them as tools of what's to come next and what to look for. There have been times when i have been totally fooled into thinking someone cares just to find out they were a wolf in sheep's clothing. Did I cut them off? Yes , but I still think about them often. I go out of my way for love because i love the idea of being in love. I may even have fairy-tale dreams of how love is suppose to be or what it's suppose to look like. Often times i don't even think i know what it's like to feel love from someone who truly loves you.
This is exactly how i got the beatings to stop. Sometimes you just have to fall to your knees and pray.
ReplyDelete*sigh* We're ------->ii<------- right there (eye 2 eye)
ReplyDeleteThis is so very true.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me when I say I am definitely feeling what you are saying. Can't say that much has changed even the older I get though but for the simple fact that I know I don't want to go through the same motions again doing the same thing and getting the same exact results. After falling for so many bad ones when do i get a break though and come across that one good one...that one that isn't going to do me dirty.
ReplyDelete(exhales)
In the past I took alot of bull for "love". I am a big believer in the fact that my first relationship set me up for how I would be treated for years. For the past few years though, probably since I met my M and M's dad, I have become someone who has some hard lines drawn in the sand. If you cheat, you are done. Seems harsh, cause some people "only" cheat once... but in my book it is pretty damn easy NOT to cheat. You just don't take your clothes off. So if you will slip like that, I will NEVER go back. Now other things. . .
ReplyDeleteMy ex and I. Big giant deep sighs. I loved that man. I still love him. How he has chosen to live his life breaks my heart. I see him in my childrens little faces, I hurt daily for all that he is missing. When we chose to start a family and Maia was born, he lost it (had a daughter that died when she was 10.. save that for another blog) anywho... he did lots of bull... not cheating, no abuse, just dumb ass not being a family man stuff. When Mekai was suprisingly on the way 3 months later... it definitely made it worse not better. Still, though he put me through the bull for 2 years.. if he had gotten it together... I still would be with him. Sometimes people go through a season of messing up... just being so depressed and not together... I can forgive that. Cause life is not always peachy.
So my deal breakers are Abuse, Affairs, Addiction... any of those and I am out. And also the hanging in there until someone is in the right situation to have me in their life. HELL NO. Run and run fast. Speaking from experience. Live your life, while they get their life in order THEN do the dating thing. :)
Hmmmm
ReplyDeleteI tend to cut my loses, especially if it was the other party that either ended things or did something really notorious to cause me to end it.
ReplyDeleteCall me bitter, but why should I socialize with a woman who dumped me???
Yeah that is a lesson that I learned a few years ago. If a man is going to change his lifes situation.. divorce... get out of a relationship... whatever... he needs to do it without me in his life....cause I NEVER want to be the reason a relationship ends... and more importantly... if he is really going to do it.. he needs to be a man and get it done without me holding his hand. And MOST importantly... the majority of the time.. once they have to stand on their own and make the change... They won't, which means the longer I stay the longer I am stringed along.
ReplyDeleteCRACKIN' UP!!!
ReplyDeleteI try and give a person 2 chances... if it doesnt work after the second time.... THERE WILL BE NO THIRD.... So I guess Im on a 2 strike rule... My emotional and mental health mean a great deal more to me than having a person by my side who doesnt really care or love me fully.
ReplyDeleteIf it is a relationship I have been in a while, I will try hard to hold it together. And when it is time to let go, I take the time I need to heal to the point that we can still be friends without hate, anger, regret or resentment. I usually take a few months to purge the hurt through poetry and prayer, then attempt a solid friendship. It has worked for me so far...
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm the happy or not-so happy medium when it comes to cutting folks loose, especially when it comes to men. I might come back to elaborate on this once gather my thoughts.
ReplyDeletethis is a good blog but i am still searching to find out what kind of person i am
ReplyDeleteThis has been a weakness of mine..sometimes you love a person so that you will allow them to remain in your life..just to have some part of them. It may not be as a significant other but you let them remain..just because..you love them. Sometimes we get used and treated badly for making the decision to let them remain..but then there is that hope that things will get better..they will remember just how good you are for them..BULLSHIT..let them go. Don't keep anybody that doesn't want to be kept..I had to learn that and live by it.
ReplyDeletePersonally I say enough when I see complete disregard for my feelings. If you can't see how what you do affect me or better yet you don't care...thats enough
It took me five times to leave my ex.
ReplyDelete1.
2.
3.
4.
FIIIFE!
Before him, I would pray and hope that it would work out. that the person would treat me the way I treated them. But after the last one, I can say, I am QUICK to say HOLLA BACK!!!! Too many deal breakers on my list to even be bothered.
usually it is a case-by-case issue with me.
ReplyDeleteas far as intimate relationships were concerned, it was always not wanting to be alone. so I stayed with a few jerks well beyond the "aint it obvious he's a jerk?" stage. even married a jerk (another story). my point is, when I got tired of feeling like I HAD to be with somebody, I stopped sticking around past the point of cant let go.
I cried over my middle girl's dad (world class ASSHOLE) for two full months. I mean EVERY DAY CRYING. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I was in a cold sweat and about to lose my mind one time, and that was when I realized that enough was enough. he had no intentions of doing right be me or our child, so I had to let it go. it took me a long time to get to a point where I could just be his friend. turns out we had a better relationship as friends.
because of that though, I turned into someone who would cut somebody loose without a backward glance. still get accused of that from time to time. it's not easy for me to take folks into my inner circle as friends, partly because of some serious trust issues, partly because of my own screwy behavior. usually if I do, I call you family, not just friend.
I move on. I live in the light that says love don't live here no more. I'm done with it when the person says it's over. Go back for what? It makes no sense to me. We all have our own crosses to bear but I think when we say enough is enough and never look back that says that you are ready to find the one that is forever.
ReplyDeleteMy rule is this ain't baseball. There are no three strikes and you're out!!! Mess over me and I'm so over it!!!
ReplyDeleteI don't have time to waste, and once I lose trust in a person, for peace of mind they get cut out of my life. Because giving people countless chances, THEY in their stupidity look at it as opportunities to keep messing over you and taking advantage of you. No sorry. Not me.
Do you just stay with your s.o. and have your candy on the side?
ReplyDeleteNo because IMHO that's adding more problems into a situation that's already volatile. Being the side candy does not take away the fact your main relationship is in trouble.
ok, I'm back...(jn part to a blog I wrote)
ReplyDeleteDevil's Advocate: ok, it seems that alot of women are on the side of "Cut the losses" (for the most part). I guess my question in cutting folk so quick (if it's an isolated incident - or, is there even such thing as an isolated incident?): what happens if YOU/me are the person that needs to be forgiven? Most answers are revovling around when someone hurts us...but havven't any of us ever been ina position where we need to be forgiven, too? No one has even done anything to hurt anyone else that would make them want to walk away? If so...do you think the person was justified for cutting their losses with you, or they were right on?
(I'm not hi-jacking a blog...but alot of blog dialog today has me thinking about some things...I'm trying to take in as much as I can!)
Starr my answer reflects something I went through recently. Now depending on the situation I'm all for giving a person chances, but when it comes to my heart? Don't play with my emotions like that. Bottom line is this is life. For every action there is a reaction, and if I messed up and the person decides to cut me out of their life, that's the reaction and I simply have to chalk it up.
ReplyDeleteI feel you...
ReplyDeleteinteresting question, Starr...
ReplyDeleteas much as it would hurt, if my fuck-up was bad enough, I would have to understand if they cut me loose. I've cut some folks loose behind some petty stuff, and have been cut behind pettiness also. it made me re-evaluate myslef on both counts. I try not to screw up with my friends, so when I do (and I've had some doozies), I have to let them do what's best for them. even if I lose a friend in the long run, it's ultimately worse for the both of us if they try to still be my friend on the outside, and feel like they're faking it and it's killing them on the inside. eventually that's gonna bubble to the surface and make matters worse. I know I'd do the same if it were me. the forgiveness really isnt anything if it's not genuine or forced.
I don't cut people over petty stuff. I cut people over stuff that puts me in a place I had no business being due to DISHONESTY!!! People can make mistakes. I'm not claiming I'm perfect. Hell I know I do things that probably drive all my friends nuts, but they know those things are part of who I am. But when you do something to changes the dynamics of trust, loyalty? You can't always bounce back from that.
ReplyDeletevery true, TNP.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you on that. I've done alot of soul-searching, and do everything possible to be the type of friend that I want others to be to me...but I suppose that if the time came where they had to cut me for wahtever reason, I'd at least want to find out from them and not just let things dissipate into nothingness (especially if it's over something petty or a misunderstanding)
ReplyDeleteAs with everything, we just gotta take it as it comes. Friendships are just as important to me as family, and I hold them as near to me as such, so I guess I am one to try to always work it out, unless that has been some major crud invovled, or I don't trust you (and if I don't believe someone is loyal in other aspects of their life, why would i expect them to be loyal to me?) I might not be alot of things, but loyal is definately one of my stronger traits. Though, that grew from getting my haeart smashed into 1000 pieces from a supposed best friend some years ago...
The one thing about forgiveness - do it for you, to free yourself from whatever hurt you (so to speak)...so you aren't allowing the other person to keep hurting you. But just because you forgive them, don't mean you have to put up with their shit! *lol*
I agree - and that's not the type of thing I'm talking about. Trust issues are a whole different creature. Depending on exactly WHAT happened, I may feed someone with a long handled spoon....versus cutting someone completely off. But like most have said...it depends on the situation...
ReplyDeleteOh totally agree, but sometimes with forgiving comes CLEANSING sometimes to cleans means remove people from your life!!!
ReplyDeleteGirl the handle be so long They are on Peachtree Road and I'm on another waaaaaayyyyyy on the other side of town. LOL
ReplyDeleteYesss you are!!! LOL, no, for real, you bring up a great point.
ReplyDeleteIf I hurt you once, I will try to make it right. If I think I'm going to hurt you twice, I'll try and walk away before that happens.
I have someone I consider a friend right now that cut me off. I did something wrong, I admit it and though we still speak, I don't think it's like it was before and I take full responsibility for that.
That shit right there will mess you up more than most relationships.
ReplyDeleteI read Iyanlas book "In the Meantime" a long long time ago and this is exactly what she was talking about. Cleaning out those floors and making room new and positive things. I read that book all the time.
ReplyDeleteThat's big of you - some folks refuse to admit to their part in anything! A misunderstanding, hurt feelings, or whatever. Imma at least try and clear the air. When I'm wrong, I say I'm wrong...and if I've made a decision about something, I'll tell you why... Not all folks do, they just move on.
ReplyDeleteI think there have been some GREAT comments here...and on other threads today. I'mm a go home and call my friends and tell them I love them...and hug FiGi's daddy and tell him he's a good husband. *lol*
it depends on the situation. Once I've let my guards down and you hurt me to whre I don't trust you anymore, its probably better we agree tp part for my peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteIt depends on a lot of stuff. But I will say I'm not the type to hang around several times once someone has hurt me. Oh noooo.
I don't think I've read that one before.
ReplyDeleteI asked that the other day. Why do some folks have a hard time with saying "Shoot I messed up!!! I'm sorry, oopppsss!!!"
ReplyDeleteShoot I'm a pro. I will say I'm sorry because I know I messed up!!!
TNP is good as that sounds i must say that sometimes you just get tired of always being the one to apologize even when you know that you haven't done anything you're always the one to say "Im Sorry". It starts to become a habit and when you do find that someone who is willing to be around you saying i'm sorry all the time can make you look weak. What happens when "Im sorry has become a part of your vocabulary because you've been beat down so much you think everything is your fault.
ReplyDeleteIt's a really good one you should check it out
ReplyDeleteAvailable on Amazon for $11.20
girlllllllllllll...this book is EXCELLENT... I have read it every year since I bought... I should have gotten the hard back... cuz the spine is bent and I have had to clip pages together in order not to lose them... lol
ReplyDeleteI highly recommend this one as well!
( will come back to dialogue about the actual blog topic once I figure out which one I really am)
Oh Sis you know we're on the same page about this.
ReplyDeleteIt is so funny you mention this. There was this girl i went to church with growing up. Had a real big church wedding and the whole bit. The marriage didn't last but a year. Apparently, he thought he was still single and could still go out and party and be out alllllll night long, allowing daylight to catch him coming in the door. Well, sistahgurl wasn't having it. After the first time, she was like, look, you got 2 more times to come in in the wee hours of the morning, your third time, you stuff will be sitting outside the door, packed in suitcases.
ReplyDeleteApparently, he didn't believe her cuz lo and behold, that third time came around and he came home at 5am to find his measly belongings sitting outside the door, packed in suitcases and whatever other personal belongings he brought with him. She did not reconcile and stood firm on her stance that no man of hers was going to disrespect her by staying out all hours of the night, without so much as a phone call.
The point of all this is that later on there was a church gathering for the married women to counsel single women and that whole bit and we all know it turned into a bitch session in which sistahgurl told her story and her mother shouting in her country voice "you cain't listen to her, she don't give a maiiiinnnnnnnn a chaince!" LMBOOOO
I only do it when I'm wrong, and know I'm wrong. Someone try to say I'm wrong, and I know I'm not? They get something else said to them. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI think I will. I have one of her books, and it was very enlightening.
ReplyDeleteOkay two women say this book is good. *on way to Amazon to place in wish list*
ReplyDeleteWooooowwwww
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad she stood by her decision!!!!