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Sometimes I see a beautiful woman (thank you DNA!) who has her feelings in check. A winning attitude and a smile that no one can take away.
Sometimes I see a counselor, always willing to listen to a friend in need, offering advice only when asked, not repeating what I’ve been told.
Sometimes a see a strong black mother, raising 2 sons, holding 2 jobs and doing what I have to do to keep things running.
Sometimes I feel like I’m on candid camera, like just now when my son called me to announce that he wasn’t circumcised (Tha Hell?) I assured him that he was before he ever left the hospital. He thanked me. *blank stare*
Sometimes I feel like a joke. I paint a wonderful picture of someone who has things together when I know I don’t. I’m a renter, not a homeowner although I’ve held a job at the same place for over 17 years. That bothers me. I'm doing something about it.
Sometimes, like now, I feel like a window that’s just been hit with a rock. Cracked, but not quite broken. It will take the smallest thing to send me in pieces, falling to the ground. (I know, I've broken before).
Sometimes I feel like I’m on a continuous roller coaster ride that slows down near the exit and just when I think I'm about to get off, it goes speeding past and takes me for another round.
Sometimes I just feel ugly. Sometimes I feel every ounce I carry, especially when I hear my friends talk about another fat person as if I don’t weigh the same, maybe more. I just paste a fake smile and keep listening. I feel like I’ve always been pretty enough for someone to try and screw, but not enough for most to date...the cause of my lack of love and at times self hate.
I know that’s just the devil because God doesn’t make mistakes and I know He loves me, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling the way I do.
Please tell me…What do I look like from your view?
I have really overcome a lotta shit!
thanks ta red i now always see 2 big ol buttery buns when i look at u lmao hopin my sillyness made u smile
ReplyDeletei c a woman willing to go the distance 4 those she loves. a woman who has seen all the bad in the world but deservs to feel nothing but the good it has to offer. a woman who was built to last n her past proves just that
I see somebody that's been through a lot of the same shit I have. (I could have written a lot of this myself) ((((Dee))))
ReplyDeleteYou know what Deedles, it wasn't your time! but when the time comes, lil miss homeowner advocate is here to walk you thru the process! when you're ready, we should talk, (we want to make sure no one is getting over on you) 7 years as a mortgage processor and underwriter, i can give you some tips on what to look out for! Ok lemme finish reading!
ReplyDeleteYou my dear are as beautiful as God made you, for you are a constant work in progess! so what does Teal see? she see's a woman who is making every possible effort to be the best, child, mother sister friend she can possibly be...
ReplyDeleteyour a supa star... don't ever let ANYONE tell you otherwise...
You already know...
ReplyDeleteI see a beautiful woman, who happens to be black, that has lived life and is not perfect like the rest of us, but is a work of beautiful art, with an even bigger heart.
ReplyDeleteI hope that comes off as I truly meant from one sister to another, from my heart.
I Like the Way ......................... You by Earth, Wind, and Fire & Kenny G.
ReplyDeleteI have been through hell and back....I am still here. Hard to break me down....
ReplyDeleteSuch a very deep post. Thanks for sharing. Never too old to learn something new...
Keep the faith, beautiful woman
Thank you to everyone who commented. Your responses had me in tears.
ReplyDeleteJesse, one of these days it's gonna click that you're the one with a song for most things, lol. I was reading late at night and I couldn't figure out where the heck the music was coming from at first. Thank you again.
This touches my heart because I feel the same way, most of the time....
ReplyDeleteOnce I acknowledged these feelings, I surrounded myself with positive people (I cut off a LOT of folks), I began feeling better about myself. It's not always wine and roses now, but I'm happier than I've ever been in my life...
ReplyDeleteIt's truly a process.